Nothing

So, here we are again. After all this time i forget to open you, my blog, finally we meet again. Actually i have no idea what i want to do here. I don't know what kind of story i'm going to share. Do you ever something heavy in your mind that you want to put really really away from yourself? But, you're close to it. You have that connection. You know that someone...means to you. But you ruined it. You destroy that memories you built together. But you weren't exactly wrong. I mean, you and that someone did something wrong which was exactly same to me. You both are selfish, hard-headed, easily anger. So, the solution is one of you should give in for another one.  I always be that guy who gives in. Always. Everything i do was planned well. For example like i wanna buy her a rose. But, not that everyday-you-see-that rose. I bought her another rose that the colour was rare. The blue one. So, i reserved that to one florist i know and took them on the other days. That was a little kind of example i tried. I get jealous, she thinks it's wrong. I mean, getiing jealous is normal. You sometimes get jealous when there's friend close to your girl or there's situation when there's someone she works together with. But also, i did something weird. When i try to find a new friend of girl, i ask her, is she single or not? Ya, that's weird for a guy having a relationship. But, the point why i ask is to make sure when i chitchat to her, there's nobody angry to me (i mean her bf). But, she (my own gf) thought i was cheating to her. For God sake, being left for one month, not allowed to talk to her, is hard. F*cking hard.

And then, the connection was lost. I lost that connection because i ruined it. I ruined it bcos i didnt get what she wanted to. Yah i ruined it bcos i couldn't be left just for one day. I couldn't. And then she was angry and left me behind. Alone. Alone. And alone. You know that feel when everyday you text to the same person all day long and all night long but you didnt get bored? Ya, that's me. Bcos i like her. Nope, i love her. But the one i love, left me. I dont know where to go. I dont know whom i want to talk to. So i decided, i find a new friend. A girl. Not to be my new girlfriend. I just want to chitchat when my girl didnt want to talk to me. Is it wrong to find a new friend of girl? Bcause i love talking via messenger. I love it. My hands are itchy when there's no one i have to share about. I have to keep talking. But, she looked at me like i wanna cheat her. No, i dont. I just need someone to share about for awhile because she hates me until now. She deleted all of our memories like it is as easy as clap your hands. It wasnt that easy. You know that feel when you struggle to keep your love but you both still fight to each other? 1 month for not being connected is difficult. Really. She asked me to do that kind of sh*t. Is there any good way besides that? I feel like i was nothing to her. Me, as a man, often thinks unclearly. When i was gone mad, every bad words come out from my filthy mouth and i have to put them away from me to someone i know a lot or someone new which i choose to be my only friend although she is a girl. Because i think, if i tell that to my friends of boy, i didnt think it will finish as well as i know. But, i realize that's the only 2 things to refresh my mind. It's like you pour a glass of salt into a lake. That f*cking taste of salt will disappear just like that. But still, i feel like i'm nothing